So you want to try out chastity

So you and your partner(s) want to try out chastity. Great! It can be a very exciting form of play that, dare I say, can border on the fabled 24/7 relationship that so many desire to achieve.

Let me explain: While we as kinksters say that we are 24/7, sadly, life gets in the way. We have jobs, kids, and other obligations. You can't tell work that you are currently on your knees in service to your Master/Mistress/Top/Other and can't answer that important email.

We have our lives before we became kinksters and sometimes those take priority, even if only for a short time. As much as we might love the feel of the collar around our neck or cuffs around our wrists and ankles, sometimes, it's not appropriate attire at say… a family reunion. There are times that our kink is hidden and we have to be ourselves minus our D/s relationships, and that is perfectly ok.

So how does chastity push us closer to this goal? By being a covert way of play that only you know about. By being a constant reminder of your submission to another or your ownership of another. By taking the most intimate parts of one's body and putting them safely under lock and key. By literally locking up a biological drive and removing a person's agency.

For those who might not know, chastity comes in two different forms: physical and mental. Mental chastity is an article on its own but in short, it is a way of controlling someone without using physical devices. For example: "No orgasms for you". Assuming the submissive is obedient and has a strong will, they will obey. However, if they have an ounce of a brat in them, or lose self-control even for a moment, this can go out the window.

Don't get me wrong, many people do mental chastity play on a daily basis to great success and I do not think that there are any issues with it assuming it works for the group doing it. However, physical chastity is an entirely different experience.

Being a switch, I sometimes submit to others - not as often as I would like, but that's a topic for another time. When I do, however, the thing I crave more than anything is helplessness. I want to lose all control of what is happening to me; to be unable to do anything to stop whatever situation I've found myself in.

Enter bondage and all of its many forms. From your standard rope, to cuffs, to hard metal chains, to leather straps, and beyond, there are a multitude of ways to restrain a partner. The scene (for me) isn't complete if I am able to escape. If I can escape, then I am just lying there on the table and my brat comes out.

While safewords are certainly a thing and I have full control over the scene with them, the physical restraint does so much more for me. I can't quickly get out of the way of a strike by a flogger or a drip of wax from a hovering candle. The world outside melts away and I am forced to live in the moment I am currently in. Gone are the constant dings of my phone and its email client. The reminders to pay bills or deal with my family and my ever-growing to-do list gets put on hold. I am fully there in this moment with the person/people doing the things to me. Even as a top, sometimes I cannot fully enter whatever scene I am doing because of my mind and its perpetual multitasking, thus being a sub is literally a vacation from my life.

So how does this tie into chastity? Remember those cuffs/collars that you wanted to wear to feel submissive all the time? Now you can. Every time you sit down, shift positions or even walk, you will feel the weight of the device as it moves with you. Your desire for sexual release will also be poking out from time to time along with its cousin: the realisation that you can't satisfy yourself, manually or with a partner/partners.

There are many styles of how to play with chastity, and no way is better than any other, but in the end, it allows scenes to go on in perpetuity in not only private but very public settings. Ever done BDSM in a grocery store? Now you can!

However, what do you need to consider before you enter this world? The biggest consideration is; what style of device you want to use. There is a wide variety and it really depends on what you desire to lock up. Even for members of the trans community, there are options. Different devices have different price points and levels of quality as well as feature sets. Take note of your overall enthusiasm towards chastity and how much you are willing to spend.

So the first step is to take inventory of what you have "down below". If you have something similar or equal to a penis, you have a few options: cages or belts and a few extras with each.

I can start with cages. Cages are usually inexpensive and can be purchased from a wide variety of vendors. You can even purchase a variety of 3D-printed models that the vendors will print that will match you exactly. Cages tend to be the starting point for most chastity wearers simply due to price and availability.

Are they effective? Sometimes. You can find ones that work relatively well, but in most cases, with the exception of possibly the 3D-printed ones, you can extract yourself from them, albeit it might hurt a bit, plus, depending on how much room you have, it will still be hanging from your scrotum. Of course, you won't be able to get back into it without a similar amount of pain or a lot of effort, or both. Now I am not saying that these devices don't work. They have a lot of advantages over the belts, but security isn't one of them.

Cages are smaller and weigh significantly less. They also do not impair movement nearly as much as a metal belt will. However, if you are being supervised or in an area that clothing cannot be removed, cages can be remarkably effective. If you have a Prince Albert piercing there are additional options, but not everyone is ready to go down that route.

Can you orgasm in a cage? Contrary to popular belief you can, it just isn't as good as an "unobstructed one" for those of you who have never felt a penis orgasm, the best way I can describe it is you get all the build, but none of the finish. You ejaculate, but it's very anticlimactic. This tends to be an issue with just about every male/penis chastity device, if you have enough time and will, it is possible to have an orgasm, just not a good one. Perhaps one day we will somehow be able to interrupt the signals going to the brain and prevent orgasm altogether, but we aren't quite there yet.

If you are closer to the labia/vagina club, then you have options as well. The most common is the belt, but there are also smaller designs that rely on piercings on the labia in order to "close the hole". As long as there is some kind of barrier between their genitals and themselves, they are effectively helpless. Some belts, you might be able to slip a finger in if it isn't tight enough, but needless to say it is a difficult feat to achieve orgasm.

Can it be done? Sometimes, but it really depends on the design of the belt and the location of the clitoris more specifically its length and proximity to the barrier. If it is touching you might be able to use a high-powered vibrator to get a mild sensation. Anyone who is deprived for long enough will take what they can get. However, in the process of doing this, it will make a terrible racket and it is no substitute for the real thing. If anything, it is only a stopgap

One slight disadvantage - or perk, it depends on how you think about it - is that while a cage or belt usually prevents arousal in male/penises, the same cannot be said for women or the vaginally gifted. I hear from women all the time that while men get a quick bit of horniness that quickly subsides when the penis has nowhere to go, women do not have this "issue". In my experience, it just keeps growing and there is little hope for sexual release aside from the minuscule amounts I mentioned previously.

Belts are large and unwieldy, but they have one major thing cages lack: security. While it greatly depends on what kind of lock is used - I pick locks for fun - most of the belts I have tried are difficult if not impossible to get out of. They wrap around the waist and hold the "cage" in place, often with straps between the legs or across the buttocks. There are a variety of price points and styles but you are usually looking at around, at a minimum USD$55 for belts from Chinese wholesalers.

Now there is nothing wrong with these belts as a starting point, but if you decide that you really enjoy this form of play, an investment in a most robust belt is a must. Cheaper belts tend to use rubber or silicone to line the belt to protect your skin from the sharp metal, but this also means you are constantly having to put it back on the belt. You can try gluing it, but I've never had much luck with that. The glue tends to not stick or it leaves a mess on the belt that is hard if not impossible to clean and ruins the looks of the belt.

Now, remember my earlier statement about needing to feel helpless? Personally, I haven't found a cage that I can't escape from, at least not a little. Therein is the problem. If I know I can escape, then I am just wearing the device for you and not for me. I am behaving but not being forced. The experience is lacking what I crave. Do I enjoy the feeling of being owned by another? Yes, but it isn't complete.

A lot of cages and belts that I've tried have a laughably simple flaw: the lock itself. A lot of them use very bad locks that can be picked by even a novice picker. Heck, even a folded-over condom wrapper can pop open some of these locks. For some people, minus this knowledge, they can be happy, but I personally cannot be. An upgrade I always get as quickly as I can is higher security locks. With this new "security" I can enjoy the experience so much more - after I've given up picking it. I can settle into the fact that I cannot escape. I can give myself to my keyholder and do whatever he/she/they ask.

Another thing I've found when doing chastity can be something you never expect: emotion. Now I'm not talking about being horny and frustrated because this is just par for the course, but actual depression. It's rare but sometimes chastity isn't a good idea depending on your mental state. While it can be a lot of fun, sometimes, with any form of play you need to take an inventory of yourself and your motives before you engage in it. If you had been assaulted, for example, impact play may not be a good time for you.

As both a keyholder and as someone in chastity, you have to ask yourself why you want to do it. If you want to deny yourself or someone else and make that orgasm extra special, great! You are doing it right. If the other person or you were cheated on and you are trying to make sure the other person (or even sometimes you) are faithful, then this is something you want to examine before proceeding.

Another thing is how you want to be interacted with. There are so many ways to do it. Some people want to be locked up and then used when the keyholder desires. Your private area belongs to someone else and they will use it when they see fit. You have no say in the matter.

Others want to play games throughout the day. For example, your keyholder might send you naked pictures or texts or simply talk about what will happen to you when you get home. You are excited and can't do anything about it until you are unlocked and can just tremble in anticipation. Others go the cuckolding route. Choosing the right method of play really depends on the two (or more) people. This can often change over time or sometimes is even a hybrid approach.

Additionally, there is the belt and its comfort to consider. Not only does the person locked up need to be cared for to ensure that the belt or cage is fitting properly, but they need to be let out on occasion to clean the device so that it doesn't start to smell.

Finally, they may need edging or even a full orgasm from time to time just to keep their sex drive alive. It has been shown that people in isolation, for example, can experience a lack of sex drive if left over time. Therefore, continuing to have engagement between the person in chastity and their keyholder(s) is vital to keeping the fun alive. No sex or stimulation forever would result in their sex drive drying up and make the belt rather useless. Kind of like trying to start a vehicle in a cold climate. It would take a lot of work to get the engine going again when it hasn't been used for a while.

In conclusion: chastity is a very fun type of play, but one that is heavily dependant on the players doing the activity. Preferences can vary wildly from one couple to another and it can take a lot of trial and error to "get it right". However, if you succeed, you will find that it can be an immensely rewarding and pleasurable (if not sexually frustrating) experience for all involved. Just be sure to keep the lines of communication open and to enjoy it. This is play after all.

Listern to Kink in the Chain podcast inside the mind of the creator of Fancy Steel